This incredibly touching poem was posted on the Den of Angels on 1/4/07, 5:25a.m. I totally get it...

[what they've meant to me]

by starfall

Placerville, CA

they were my voices.

the voices of a child, maybe

their purpose clothed

in expensive shoes,

lacy dresses,

ridiculous props.

but they were my speech

when words had failed me

and they were my loves

when love seemed not worth keeping.

~

you see, I had given it up.

that living game.

I had a paycheck

I had a home

but in the distance between

my two destinations

I could find no good reason

to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

in the faces

that should have kept me walking

I somehow could only find

shadows of anger

and a disgust

at their joy.

~

so, I invented it.

I left this world

not by knife or pill or cliff

but by another road:

when I was little, they called it

make-believe.

as a bigger person, I called it

a better place.

and in faces sculpted by two artists

one, a talented hand and careful tool,

the second

only a desperate mind

I split my hurts into personality.

this is Mischa:

he does not trust you.

this is Viola:

she cannot be trusted.

Chie, who was betrayed;

Hazel, who fought back, and was punished

Cherian, who sought forgiveness for his sins

India, whose sins were beyond forgiveness

and me, the housemother,

who gathered them up

in an attempt to reconcile all

these broken selves

into a single story.

~

how many hours, days, dollars

did I spend?

I could not tell you;

I do not want to.

you would not think

they were worth it.

~

you would not.

but they were.

~

you see, it was not about the names

or the clothes

wigs

shoes

dollars

hours

wasted or well spent.

it was that

in the shape of their

fingernails

eye sockets

toes

I found humanity.

~

not theirs.

mine.

***

~Tinooseus